God's Plans are Bigger and Better than Mine

Today was supposed to be the day. The day I had been dreaming of for months. Anytime that anyone asked me when I was due, I would tell them I was due on Dec. 23rd, but I was asking my doctor for the 12th. I was so worried that I would not have enough time before Christmas to recover. I was SO tired of being pregnant. After all, this had not been the most pleasant pregnancy. I started out bleeding, thinking I was going to lose my baby, taking that horrible progesterone, and then I had the positive quad screening for Down Syndrome, pregnancy carpal tunnel, that horrendous swollen nose, etc. I know that this is nothing compared to what others go through, but for me it was the worst of my three pregnancies and December 12th could not get here fast enough. Turns out that God had different plans for me and knew that I needed more than two weeks before Christmas to "recover" from what was about to take place.

Tomorrow my sweet baby boy will be four weeks old, and I still get stressed out thinking about how the events of the day of his birth played out. It started out as one of my regular "hectic" days. I had my to-do list played out in my head...meet Memie at Chick-fil-a, eat lunch, leave Anna Grace with her, go to my appointment, pick up Anna Grace, pick Noah up from school, run a few errands, come home and get ready to go to Noah's Thanksgiving program, and then I was sure we would all go to dinner as a family. That sounded like a crazy day, but not near as crazy as it turned out to be.

Every visit that I had with the Specialists had gone smoothly so far. Each month I would have

an in-depth ultrasound to look for any of the markers for Downs, and each time they would tell me that they saw none and that my baby looked perfectly healthy! They agreed to see me one more time just to make sure everything was okay, and then they would release me back to my

OB. I was feeling absolutely horrible when we got there, and I remember telling Dustin, "Watch something be wrong today, of all days, when Noah has his program tonight." (Which he had a speaking part in, by the way!)

The first red flag was when my blood pressure was high. I hadn't had any trouble with that before. Then, I could tell immediately after we went back that the ultrasound tech was not

really happy with what she saw, but she just told us that the baby's position was making it hard for her to get the readings she needed. She said she was going to have the Doctor come in and

look. I knew something was wrong, and I remember staring at Dustin and thinking hurry up and pray before he gets in here!

The Doctor came in and started talking about how the baby's abdomen was measuring 31

weeks, and I was 34 weeks along. Then he started saying some other stuff, but I don't really know what it was, because all I was thinking was "What does this mean? Just get to the point and tell me what it means? Is my baby going to be okay?" He finally said that my placenta was

shutting down and that we needed to have this baby quick. Either that evening or the next morning. Dustin and I left there dumbfounded and headed over to the hospital.

A million things were running through my head, "Is he going to be okay? How long will he have to be in the NICU? What about Noah's program? I can't miss it! I don't have anything

ready. Who do I need to call? What about my cute pajamas I'm supposed to have, Deacon's cute little Christmas clothes, the video camera, the camera, Noah's Big Brother shirt, Anna Grace's Big Sister shirt. I didn't get to have my hair done. I didn't get a pedicure." And the list goes on and on. This was not going perfectly like I planned it in my head for months.

Not long after we got in a room, my wonderful Doctor came in and told me that he was not going to make us wait all night and that we would have our baby in a few hours. This gave me a little more time to try and figure things out and get in touch with everyone that would want to be there. Then they came back and said there was a change of plans. They were going to take him immediately. They started prepping me and friends and family started showing up. I

started freaking out. Is this really happening so fast? I remember there were people in the room and we prayed, but I feel like it was all a blur. As they wheeled me out of the room, I was feeling so scared and nervous.

As they wheeled me into OR and started my spinal (the part that scares me the most), I remember "Good Life" by Onerepublic was playing in the background. Singing it in my head and thinking about how good our life was going to be with this new addition made me feel a little more relaxed. I know that a C-section is really a quick surgery, but when you are the one

on the table, it feels like an eternity!

Tears ran down my face as I finally heard my baby boy crying. I remember feeling so relieved thinking, "Keep crying baby boy! Keep crying!" Dustin held him up to my face for a few seconds, and then they took him to do whatever it is that they do. They finished me up and sent me to recovery. This is the part I had been waiting for my whole pregnancy to be in the recovery room knowing that my baby boy was here and healthy and all was well! I cannot tell you how relieved and happy I felt! Especially knowing that even at 34 weeks, Deacon weighed 5lbs 5oz, was 17 & a half inches long, and was taken to the regular newborn nursery. I was feeling very blessed at that moment!

Friends and family began coming in to see me, and they were all going on and on about how crazy the day had been and how we couldn't believe that he was here. I was on cloud nine! After being in recovery for a while they brought another woman into the room who had her baby at 29 weeks. She was on the other side of the curtain, and I began to feel bad expressing our excitement not knowing the status of her baby. It felt like it was taking forever to get me into a room.

We went back for our ultrasound at 2:3op.m. and had Deacon at 4:29p.m. It was now around

7:00p.m. when the Neonatologist came into the recovery room. My grandma and cousin were in the room and Dustin was off being a proud dad, taking pictures, texting, and making

Facebook posts. The doctor was making small talk, but he kept asking "Where is dad?" I got the feeling that something was wrong, but I was just thinking that it was typical preemie problems. Memie and Katie left the room to go get Dustin, and it felt like forever before he got in there. I know that I should have somewhat been prepared for the news that he was about to

give us, but I was completely blindsided with it.

Dustin came back in the room and the Doctor began telling us that Deacon had to be taken to the NICU because of issues with his blood sugar and body temperature. Then he proceeded to tell us that he had many of the characteristics of Down Syndrome. He said that he could not confirm it without a test, but he had seen it enough times to be pretty confident. "WHAT? NO! That cannot be! The Specialists said that he was perfectly healthy. This Doctor had to be wrong! He just had to be!"

I was already physically numb at that moment, but I went mentally numb too. I remember thinking why is he telling me this while there are people on the other side of that curtain. I cannot show my emotions! I was just silent for a while. My parents came in and we told them. I kept thinking just get me out of this room!

Finally they took me to a regular room, and they started allowing Dustin to take people to the NICU to see Deacon. I remember just being tired and wanting to go to sleep, wake up, and this all be some crazy dream that I was having. As I started to doze off, I heard Dustin on the couch just crying. I made him come lay on the bed with me, and I told him to get all of his out,

because I had a feeling my breakdown was coming the next day. I guess I was just in a state of denial or something, but I felt no emotion. I would go to sleep and then wake up thinking, "My child had Down Syndrome. I can't believe my child had Down Syndrome. How did this happen?" I kept watching the clock and thinking please hurry up and let it be morning.

And when the sun rose, that is when it really hit me, and my little meltdown began. At first Dustin and I were thinking that we really didn't want a lot of visitors, but it was the visitors that helped us get through the day.

That afternoon I was wheeled up to the NICU to finally meet my little man. All I could do was stand over him and look at him, because he was still hooked up to feeding tubes and an IV line. I remember thinking, "I don't feel like he's mine. Why don't I feel like he's mine? I don't feel a bond with him. Am I a horrible mom?"

I didn't know anything about Downs. I had never really been around anyone that had it. For some reason, I have always been uncomfortable being around children with special needs and now I had one. How was this happening? At the end of the day when everyone left, I felt so alone. I wanted to hold one of my babies. I wanted to be anywhere but that hospital. I wanted to go back to that moment when I was in recovery thinking that everything was just perfect, or better yet, I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to rewind. I wanted this to be a bad dream. I wanted the Doctor to tell me that he was wrong and that my child did not have Down Syndrome, but I knew that he did. I started crying. Crying so hard that I felt like I couldn't

breathe.

"Don't ask why! Andrea, Don't ask why. You aren't supposed to question God. So don't you dare ask why!" But I couldn't help but think, "Why? How? What does this mean? What will people think? What will he look like? What will he be able to do? Will he be able to walk, talk, etc? He won't be able to go to Magnet school like his brother and sister. Is he going to live with us forever? He won't be able to get married. This is NOT supposed to be happening to ME! I am not the type of person that can handle all of the responsibilities that come with a special needs child. I am not equipped for this. This cannot be happening. I don't feel connected to him. Maybe if I hold him I will. I just need to hold him. This is not how it is supposed to be.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe!"

Suddenly, a voice came across the intercom and said, "Code Blue in the Labor and Delivery OR, Code Blue in the Labor and Delivery OR!" And then it hit me, and I thought, "Okay, God. I see what you are trying to tell me. Things could be way worse. You have a plan for me and my family and I just need to stop my little pity party and go with it." And all of the sudden, the tears stopped, and I was able to go to sleep.

The next day I found out that the mom coded during her delivery. She ended up being okay, but her baby had many health problems and was airlifted to New Orleans to have heart surgery.

And here I thought I had problems! The Doctor told us that out of the twenty-something babies that were in the NICU, Deacon was one of the healthiest ones. I began to stop feeling sorry for myself and to realize how blessed we were. Blessed that he was alive. Blessed that he didn't have any heart or other serious health problems. His problems were that of any other preemie...learning to eat and maintaining body temperature. That day I was able to hold my child, bond with him, and focus on all of the joy that he would bring to our lives.

I found it amazing that he was only two days old, but had already made such a difference in our lives and others. And I started to get excited thinking about what he would do for us and others in the future. I pictured him lighting up a room just by being in it. I pictured his smile, and I had a feeling there would be a lot of them. I knew that everything was going to be okay! I knew that it was not going to be easy, but it was going to be okay!

We left the hospital that night, and I started crying again. I found it ironic that just the night before I was crying because I didn't feel a bond with my baby and less than twenty-four hours later I was crying because I had to leave him there. I cried a few more times during the two weeks and one day that he had to stay in the hospital, and I've cried a few more since he's been home. I am sure that there will be many more tears in our future, but I know that many of them will be tears of joy and thankfulness for all that God has blessed us with!

Deacon has already taught us to slow down and savor every wonderful moment that God gives us. Before he got here, we were always going, going, going and so wrapped up in things that don't really seem matter anymore. And now, I find myself noticing and appreciating the small things that I might have overlooked before. Like the sound of my kids giggling as they play in the bathtub, my little girl singing "Happy Birthday, Jesus" while riding in the backseat of the car, the way my kids sit and stare at their little brother with a proud gleam in their eyes, and so much more. I am looking forward to this journey on this new path that our lives have taken. I also have a new appreciation for capturing those little moments in photographs, so I plan to using this blog more to document the special moments and milestones in our lives as well as others that I photograph.

It is all still new and fresh, and I have no clue what to expect. I'm not going to lie, I still have my moments where I start to think about the "What if's"! But I have to stop myself , because I know that God's plan is bigger and better than our plan and that there is a reason for everything.

I thank God that I am not having my baby today, but yet I have already gotten a chance to get to know him and fall head over heels in love with him!